My wife and I are fighting over who to spend the holidays with. We live in Dallas with our two children. My in-laws live in El Paso. For the last eight years we have driven (700 miles, 12 hours) to my in-laws for Christmas. For once I would like to stay home and have Christmas in my own home with my family.
Here is what I wanted for this Christmas. I’m graduating with my MBA the week prior to Christmas. I wanted to fly my mom in for my graduation and I have her to stay for Christmas. My job requires me to fly every week to my client and I wanted to stay home, relax and not travel.
My wife wanted to fly my mom in for the weekend then fly her out, no Christmas with my mom, so we could then drive to my in-laws. She made a compromise though. She and the children are flying to El Paso on the 26th and my mom leaves on the 29th. My mom and I will be at my house for a few days without my wife and kids. She absolutely insists that she must spend some time with her family during the holidays. Even though she has had the last eight Christmases with her family she needs more. This time she “graciously” allowed me Christmas with my mom, but she’s leaving the next day.
Here is some more information. In the last twelve months we have driven to El Paso three times for a total of six days of travel and 3,200 miles of driving. During these three trips we have boarded our dogs for a cost of $1,000, so I was also looking to save money. We used to take them with us, but they are old now and have accidents in the car. My wife has elderly grandparents so her family cannot travel to our home. I get along well with her family and she gets along well with my mother. My wife is much closer to her family than I am to mine.
What do you think about this situation?
#1 by Sandy Ego on August 4th, 2011
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I think you guys have found a compromise, and that’s great.
#2 by Clo ! on August 4th, 2011
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Rob, 8 years is enough. Spend those few “quality days” with your mother and enjoy her ! Your wife needs a reality check ! Make no mistake !
#3 by JJ on August 4th, 2011
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Sounds to me you wife does not respect you very much. I guess she thinks your marriage is all about her.
#4 by gt man on August 4th, 2011
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Sandy is full of it.
A compromise would be the next 8 Christmases the way you want.
But of course a girl would think that 90% her way and 10% the guys way would be a compromise.
Thumbs down from women thinking that 90% their way is a fair and equitable compromise.
#5 by Simonsays on August 4th, 2011
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You should stay and visit with your mother and I would also aske the kids if they want to stay and visit with your mom as well. If that answer is yes, then you wife can go to El Paso el lono! Seriously, your wife is being selfish and she should see to it that your children get to know both sets of grandparents.
How about every other year!
#6 by Anon on August 4th, 2011
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It sounds like Christmas is very important to her and her family, and that her family cannot join you where you are, so I think it makes plenty of sense that she go up there.
Why not visit your family for Thanksgiving, or New Year’s, or a different holiday?
#7 by Nicky on August 4th, 2011
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I think that after this Christmas the two of you need to sit down and agree to work something out. I think she’s not being very considerate of you (your work/travel schedule) or your family on her own, so you have to come up with a solution that is fair to agree on before next year. Perhaps you can agree to host your family for Thanksgiving every year and Christmas every three years. I think that as long as her grandparents are still alive, it’s reasonable for her to expect you to make the trip few times a year. While the costs are hard to swallow, your children knowing their great-grandparents and having a close relationship with the grandparents is worth the cost. If you want that for your side of the family as well, you’ll have to work with them to make it happen, it requires time, money and commitment.
#8 by jenny on August 4th, 2011
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I think you should be entitled to a christmas at home with your family for once. My SO and I share the holidays 50/50.. if his family got christmas last year my family is up this year. For a change I have decided to have Thanksgiving myself and invite both but since her family can not travel I guess that suggestion wouldn’t work for you two.
#9 by GpJ on August 4th, 2011
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Your wife is being selfish but you already know that. She is accommodating her parents and grandparents before you. Not good.
Why can’t her parents drive from El Paso to your house at some point during the holiday? That would give them time with the elderly grandparents who can’t drive, but then time at your house. Have your mom there too.
I bet your kids would love to have all the grandmas and grandpa all at your house!
#10 by mcmuney on August 5th, 2011
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She “allowed” you to have Christmas with your mom. I think that says a lot. She sounds very selfish and controlling. A compromise would be to alternate holidays between your families. Every Christmas with her family, that’s ridiculous! If she needs to spend time with her family, she should make other arrangements throughout the year. You should have raised this as an issue after the first year, but it’s never too late. It could be a challenge now, but you need to have a serious talk with her.
#11 by surojabu on August 5th, 2011
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It’s going to be very difficult to get your wife to agree with you. She has made this Christmas trip a tradition with her family and your kids. It will be hard to break. If it were me, I’d sit her down and tell her that I want to start a new tradition at home, that the kids should have a “personal” tradition of their own. And as an equal partner, your wishes should be met (because they’re not unreasonable).
As a compromise, ask her family to come to your house along with keeping your mother’s visit as scheduled, but only if you can take all the company. BUT insist that she and the kids stay for your mother’s entire visit at your home. Your mother deserves a holiday visit with her grandchildren. And the children deserve time with their grandmother (your mother).
Regardless of how close you are with your family and she with hers, this is about YOUR little family unit and your wife should be making more of a compromise and more of an effort here.
This may seem like a trivial issue, but from experience, I can tell you that it will get heated and blow up quickly and intensely. But you should still sit down with your wife and have a serious conversation about how you feel like she’s completely ignored your desires for Christmas and that you want the kids to be at home visiting with your mother for the holiday, and that from now on, every other year you will visit her family — but the off year will be spent at home building your own tradition for the kids.
#12 by What? on August 5th, 2011
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Dude your wife is being a B****, and anyone who’s giving advice that agrees with her must be selfish in their own lives. You should get what you want for once. Marriage is a partnership not a relationship where a dictator (your wife) gets her way everytime. Your mother should get to see her grandkids as well don’t you think.
Plus El Paso Blows!!!!!!!!!
#13 by Winebabe on August 5th, 2011
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This has been going on for so long now that your wife just assumes all is fine, especially since you note that you are not close to your family.
If you want to see your mom for Christmas, go see her. You can always visit the in laws next year.