Like, could they ever really fall in love as an adult?

Because, without getting into too much detail here, my parents weren’t very nice people.

I’m in my early 20s now, I’m incredibly good looking and a genuinely ‘good’ person; I just don’t give a f*ck about what other people think of me so I say and do whatever I want. That sometimes gets mistaken for cockiness or arrogance, but it’s not because I really am a nice guy once you get to know me. It’s just getting to know ‘me’ that’s the hard part. They used to call me ‘Dallyboy’ back in high school because I reminded people of Dallas Winston from ‘The Outsiders’. I never used to think it was really true because I’ve never been arrested and don’t go out of my way to get into fights or anything; when I do get into trouble or fights or whatever, it’s usually not my fault or some sort of misunderstanding/etc. And I do care, if you know ‘me’, you’ll know that, it’s just that I have a hard time really letting it show. I guess now, as I’m getting older, I’m starting to realize that I’m more like Dallas Winston than I ever realized.

I don’t really have any real friends. I mean, people just seem to be naturally drawn to me and I almost always get along great with them and am often told that I’m a really cool, charismatic, down to earth guy. Or else I’m told I’m just a complete a**hole who doesn’t give a f*ck about anyone but himself, which isn’t true, but I’m not going to waste my time or go out of my way to make them think otherwise, because, quite honestly, I could care less what they think of me. Anyways, people are drawn to me and I have people I hang out with, but I wouldn’t really consider them my ‘friends’ because, well, I just can’t really relate to them at all and, if you haven’t already guessed, I have major trust issues. It seems that everyone I’ve ever put any sort of faith in has let me down at one point or another.

I used to be nice and try to help other people, but it’s gotten to a point now where I’m starting to realize that no one else out there really gives a f*ck about anyone but themselves, so it’s like why should I? Why should I bother being nice or trying to help people?

I mean, I don’t want to be that way; to just not care about anything but myself, but I’m just so tired of being used by everyone and of being the only guy who knows how to get sh*t done right around here; it’s frustrating, and I’m at the point now where I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve never had a real girlfriend, I’ve never had anyone; the only person I’ve ever really even cared about is my little sister – she’s everything to me; my Johnny Cade. I’d do anything for her and that’s why I’ve stuck around for so long – so that she doesn’t end up like me; so that she knows that somebody loves her and that there really are ‘good’ people out there. But she was in a car accident last week and now she’s in the hospital on life support and I just don’t know what to do. I mean, she’s been there a week now and my parents have only been in to see her twice. Like WTF?

Now, I don’t want to lose her, and I know that she’ll pull through, but the whole thing is just making me realize that if something were to ever happen to her then that’d probably be it for me too. And that thought scares me to death, to tell you the truth.

But, I guess I just want to know if it’s even possible for someone like me to ever really love someone, like, other than my sister, that is. I want to; I need to, but I just don’t know how to go about it. I mean, I want to meet the right girl, I want to fall in love, I just don’t really know what love’s like or how to do it. I mean, I’m a very smart guy; I can read people pretty well and generally know how to get what I want. Plus I’m gorgeous and I have a way with words and know I could get pretty much any girl I wanted, it’s just that, maybe I’m a little afraid or something; it’s new to me. I know not everyone out there is ‘bad’, but I guess I just want to know: is it really possible for someone who was never loved as a child to ever really know what true love is? And do you think that they could ever really find it and actually ‘love’ someone else as an adult?

Tags: child, Could, ever, Know, love, Loved, never, really, someone, true