The day my world fell apart. April 19th, 2010. It was a gorgeous day. A birthday not a dying day. But fate didnt take that statement to heart. I was standing outside with my best friends calyssa and dephanie when my cell phone rang. Still laughing about calyssas dead on impression of our english teacher i said “hello?” never expecting the voice ont he other end would cruch my heart, Marilyn? This is Mrs Veinta, Its andrew, theres been an accident and we dont know if hes going to make it. Were going to follow the helicopter to Dallas and if you want a ride get to the hospital NOW. I heard all of this threw half deaf ears. How could my andrew, the love of my life, the tallest, strongest guy in school who made my 6”0 self look petite, be lying in a hospital bed, the doctors not knowing if he was going to make it. I snapped back to reality when calyssa shook me and said mari are you ok?? All i could choke out was a whispered no.. Then my brain went into over drive call mom find a ride. great, the one day i didnt drive and i desperately needed a car. I just ran from caly and deph and went to the student parking lot hoiping someone would stop. Please! Somebody give me a ride! my boyfriend! please! finally a car stopped and i saw jake, a new guy in my math class. I breathed the situation out and hoped he understood my paniced speech. He just said get in. And we were off
#1 by SugarCinnamon on August 26th, 2011
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Its a really good idea, but the way it is written is very immature
#2 by this is the end on August 26th, 2011
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You should have started out with giving hints as to what’s going to happen next maybe something disturbing in the environment, something abit wrong and off. like for example i read this short story about some tragic event it started of as, a bulldozer roars to life; this made the atmosphere seem disturbed.
#3 by Tiffers?<3 on August 26th, 2011
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It’s good. But over all you need to correct it a tad bit. I would read it. You must have been a hurry cause some parts I don’t understand…. It needs touched up.
#4 by Adsaf on August 26th, 2011
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Sounds like a 13 year old girl talking.
^^^ not a good thing.
#5 by Sweet Dreamer on August 26th, 2011
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I think its pretty great though, BUT it need to be reworked a little, you should consider building up the main character emotional status or maybe gives some tragic events or the emptiness she felt before meeting her everything, then drop the big bomb which is the phone call and use more powerful terms to make us sink in her quicksand as she does! anyway I did like it!
#6 by The *CHEEKY* Paper Bunny Boo on August 26th, 2011
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ok
#7 by Taha* on August 26th, 2011
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Not bad at all*